Celebrations

aren't they fun? Just celebrated my one year, and when I reflect back on this past year of sobriety, there is so much to be thankful for. And I am. But my mind won't let me relax sometimes. I am tired of working at a restaurant and feel I deserve better. I have been extremely lucky to have worked at least once every month since November. And after shooting the pilot and an episode of Hot in Cleveland, I can greatly say that a roll I have been on. But, it never takes long for fucking frustration to settle in huh? Working enough? Not being able to get a mgr to take a look at my work. Not feeling like the work and relationships that I have been able to gain are worth anything. Isn't that fucking amazing. We work so hard to get to audition, to then get to play, to then book work, only to turn around and say, well that wasn't that big of a role, and any other new agent/mgr is gonna look at that and say the same thing. Knowing that I cannot say things like this, but struggling with the reality of it all, I am kind of at a stand still with it. And it feels like I might be a bit on the burnt out side. I spent all this research and time, made my lists, send out my letter, only to hear nothing. Damn. I told my gal Gwen the other night that I am tired of trying to convince the powers that be, that I am worthy of work. But again, it is times like these that I see the bottom of this roller coaster, and know it will come up again. Just breathe man. Breathe.

merica

Great meditations

man, today was such an amazing meditation. I learnt where my mind really lives. Now, that might take a few of you out to la la land, but I gatta tell you, when you don't drink, have problems with feeling alone, and let life really get you down, being able to find peace and escape in a healthy way, is really a gift. I made it through another week of some really hard work. Got out on a few commercial auditions, and had a great cd workshop. The past month, I have felt more present, more prepared, and ultimately better. I have really really enjoyed the process in the past couple of weeks. Thanks

'Merica

so those last two posts were

failed attempts to post from my phone. Ahhhh technology. Well, last couple of days have been sort of trying. But something happened last night that made me realize just how tricky this journey really is. And again, I state that this career is a journey. When the path we are on becomes so dark, tricky, hollow, and downright negative, it can seem like the wrong path. What started out as such a joyous journey, light and full of excitement, has now become a struggle. It is this fucking roller-coaster that sometimes dips down to a depth that you never thought was even a part of it. My friend was there last night. And she is exactly someone who deserves to be doing whatever she should because she is that sort of person; loving and lighthearted. Like an otter. Ha. Ha. But she has been so engrossed in the negative from all sides of life, that she had no other option than to take a break from the career, which I found to be extremely helpful. Upon hearing this, I told her to do whatever she needed to do to get back to herself, and try other things. But if after taking this break, she finds one sliver of light that reminds her to want to act and pursue this dream, then please act on it. After all, that was what I found out. That no matter what I thought, after spending some time with myself and trying something new, that this was what I was supposed to do. This was my job. And unlike the other jobs where we punch in at 9 and go home at 5, we have no timetable. We might not want to stay. But that is our job. It is what we are supposed to do.

'merica

that last one

sitting in the waiting room

what a great start

I am not gonna start this off with a hey I haven't written in a while... but ... fuck I just did. Anyway, got my first television credit on Shit My Dad Says for CBS. Met Wil Sasso and William Shatner. Amazing story of how it all came about, and both show runners, Max and David, thought that I did really well. So well that I didn't get cut. And I got a couple of house laughs. How about that?

I really have been feeling pretty damn good these past couple of months. I tried to meditate every day for at least 30 min and I gatta be honest, it has really started to have some amazing effects. I wasn't able to keep up that that pace, but being able to come back to it has been really amazing. Also it just seems that I am really feeling confident when it comes to my auditions. I set up a system now where I workshop at least once a week, so I am gonna be auditioning at the bare minimum once a week. It one

Since my last post

... and I am gonna have to use some code for this to cover my ass in case people come after me. Imagine me having people come after me. Chemically, there was a big change in the past 6 months. And that ecstasty that I was talking about in the previous post, did happen, just not in the way I thought it would. I was right, this was the greatest year of my life so far. But it was also the scariest. When you have to really face yourself and look at what you really are, then you make a choice, and it happens to be the right one, amazing things happen. When you tell those who are truely close to you that you have issues, and you need thier help, amazing things happen. When you stop lying to yourself and take the necessary time to work on what really wasn't working, amazing things happen. This past year I feel I was given a second chance to really see what was working and not working in my life this past year.
Besides the bigger things this past year, a big one had to have been finding a faith that works. And trusting myself that it is important enough for me to take the time for it.
Career wise I again worked on some commercials. I broke into some theatrical offices. But mostly, I feel that I took a step forward in my confidence and my craft. Now to keep the ball rolling