Forget self...

In reading through The mystic in the Theatre, I came across those words.  Forget self.  Meditation states it.  Athletes talk about it.  Artists strive to do it.  Forget self.  My wife seems to get it quite frequently, and maybe that is what is going to make her such a great nurse.  To forget self and ..... what?  Put others in front?  explore?  But I heard what I was reading this morning, and to overcome the fear of whatever you are going to do, most of the time that fear is of what others think, you must forget self.  What a grateful expression one can learn.

That was deep.  But I think I get it kind of.  It helps to have a greater purpose for all you do.  Forget self.  I like that

Nuther year to begin the begin

... whatever the hell that means.  Couple of things on my mind as of late.
1.  ( and I know that I am not supposed to ) I love using q-tips in my ears.  Never have any other use for them.  Why isn't that one of the uses labeled on the box of q-tips?
2.  Driving my Saturn and listening to any Tarantino soundtrack should somehow make it into a Tarantino film, because it's so un-cool that it's cool
And it is the beginning of a new year so it's time for my yearly blog. I guess that wouldn't make it a blog, more like a place where I go to say some shit once in a blue moon.  Last year, another amazing year.  Couple Series Regular's under my belt for a couple of pilots.  Looking forward to seeing what happens after that.  Biggest thing is reaching a goal of mine that was at sort of the top of my list, and becoming really really uneasy now that there is nothing else there.  What to do?  Re-discovered a mission statement.  Storytelling.  Period.  As honest as I am able to.  Period.  Every time I find myself thinking I should write that down, I don't.  Then when I get to write stuff down, it's gone and I just find myself kind of rambling on.
With my new found time, re-learning some old school stuff which seems silly, but great for brain power.  For example, when realizing that about 70% of the planet is water, I was dumbfounded. Then just felt plain dumb for not realizing that in the first place.  Cmon man.

the first time

... well, I thought I might put out there in my universe, that on Monday, will be the first time I test for a Pilot. It's just been about a year and a month since I started to work in TV, and now I am testing for a pilot. I'm not as nervous about it as I thought I would be, just because of some advice I received from a new mentor that I have. To keep my focus in the story. It's not about the result that I want as an actor, I fight for the result I want in story. And that has kept me in check. Life is absolutely amazing. Period. Possibly, I might actually write a bit after this all is done.

K

The year of the working Actor

cause it hasn't stopped since I last posted. Even though I can find frustration at every turn, not happy with this or that, I can't negate the fact that if at the beginning of the year I could state that by Oct 1st of this year I would have 5 Network TV credits, and 4 Network Commercials, I would say that I have had a pretty lucky year. Two Days ago, got the opportunity to work on Community, was fast and quick, but again in the year of building credits, I would say this was pretty nice. And yes i am in a diaper. Can't wait for the mom to see that. Also had my Toyota Regional spot that was only running in AZ get a good size renegotiation. For a brief moment, and I use the work brief, I am able to be very proud at the work I have been able to do this past 9 months. Some luck, some years of blood sweat and tears, and finally some people are giving me a chance. Still looking for that manager that I want, but again that might be a while on that part, or then again it might happen tomorrow. Oh yeah, and I got engaged. HOLY SHIT.

merica

Celebrations

aren't they fun? Just celebrated my one year, and when I reflect back on this past year of sobriety, there is so much to be thankful for. And I am. But my mind won't let me relax sometimes. I am tired of working at a restaurant and feel I deserve better. I have been extremely lucky to have worked at least once every month since November. And after shooting the pilot and an episode of Hot in Cleveland, I can greatly say that a roll I have been on. But, it never takes long for fucking frustration to settle in huh? Working enough? Not being able to get a mgr to take a look at my work. Not feeling like the work and relationships that I have been able to gain are worth anything. Isn't that fucking amazing. We work so hard to get to audition, to then get to play, to then book work, only to turn around and say, well that wasn't that big of a role, and any other new agent/mgr is gonna look at that and say the same thing. Knowing that I cannot say things like this, but struggling with the reality of it all, I am kind of at a stand still with it. And it feels like I might be a bit on the burnt out side. I spent all this research and time, made my lists, send out my letter, only to hear nothing. Damn. I told my gal Gwen the other night that I am tired of trying to convince the powers that be, that I am worthy of work. But again, it is times like these that I see the bottom of this roller coaster, and know it will come up again. Just breathe man. Breathe.

merica

Great meditations

man, today was such an amazing meditation. I learnt where my mind really lives. Now, that might take a few of you out to la la land, but I gatta tell you, when you don't drink, have problems with feeling alone, and let life really get you down, being able to find peace and escape in a healthy way, is really a gift. I made it through another week of some really hard work. Got out on a few commercial auditions, and had a great cd workshop. The past month, I have felt more present, more prepared, and ultimately better. I have really really enjoyed the process in the past couple of weeks. Thanks

'Merica

so those last two posts were

failed attempts to post from my phone. Ahhhh technology. Well, last couple of days have been sort of trying. But something happened last night that made me realize just how tricky this journey really is. And again, I state that this career is a journey. When the path we are on becomes so dark, tricky, hollow, and downright negative, it can seem like the wrong path. What started out as such a joyous journey, light and full of excitement, has now become a struggle. It is this fucking roller-coaster that sometimes dips down to a depth that you never thought was even a part of it. My friend was there last night. And she is exactly someone who deserves to be doing whatever she should because she is that sort of person; loving and lighthearted. Like an otter. Ha. Ha. But she has been so engrossed in the negative from all sides of life, that she had no other option than to take a break from the career, which I found to be extremely helpful. Upon hearing this, I told her to do whatever she needed to do to get back to herself, and try other things. But if after taking this break, she finds one sliver of light that reminds her to want to act and pursue this dream, then please act on it. After all, that was what I found out. That no matter what I thought, after spending some time with myself and trying something new, that this was what I was supposed to do. This was my job. And unlike the other jobs where we punch in at 9 and go home at 5, we have no timetable. We might not want to stay. But that is our job. It is what we are supposed to do.

'merica