The benefits of raising a child

It's really mostly logic when I think about it. My son is just 2 months shy of turning 3 and just hates when something goes wrong with his body. Especially his nose. Why should it run at certain times? Well, low and behold he got himself a cold and his nose started running. While I was putting him to sleep last night, laying beside him because bedtime was earlier than normal, he all of a sudden sat up saying that something had crawled into his nose. And the freak out started. Having him put his head back, I turned on the flashlight of my phone and took a look. No boogies, I told him. Just a pea. From dinner. Shoved up there.
Now, after I got this out, I thought to myself, what a logical idea. Something is running, take whatever you can to stop it. Makes sense to me.

Why J.K. Simmons in Whiplash is on my mind

I remember singing in a competitive vocal jazz group in high-school. I considered myself to be one of the best singers in the group and I had the lead in an Al Jarreau song "Not Like This." We were singing for members of Berkley Music institute down in Boston MA. After we finished, we all felt we had done well. At least that was what our parents were telling us. When the instructor asked me to come on stage and began to tell me that I wasn't breathing right, that my support was coming from my chest instead of my diaphragm. As a matter of fact she said that I wasn't very good at all. Being crushed, I was at least able to feel some sort of comfort from one of the other students parents who told me that the instructor didn't know what she was talking about.
Now even though I was embarrassed, you know what? When it mattered, I never took an improper musical breath again. This past weekend I was able to experience the message from J.K. Simmons in whiplash. Thinking of having a teacher like that terrified me. "I wouldn't respond well to that type of teacher." But then again, he wasn't teaching everyday joe's who wanted to maybe get better. He was trying to find the greats. And in order to be Great, you cannot settle. Ever. Period.

merica

Sometimes it's better to just watch other people drive

... then to stay in your own head.

Last week sucked.

In my head.

A lot of "it's never gonna, " "you might want to just," and "Seriously??"

So driving home from an opportunity, stuck in the lovely LA traffic, I had the opportunity to watch the other people drive by, stop, get stuck, cut off, and wait patiently.

And I observed.

Some people were pissed. Some were happy. Most were in their own heads.

No one saw me, but I got the opportunity to think about them all as they drove by.  To imagine what their circumstances were. How did they feel about the situation they were in at the moment. Imagining what the consequences were for their day. What would it be like to experience that?

So I thought about that.

Until the consequences of my not paying attention came to the front, to which I received an angry honk to move my car.

Sometimes it's better to just watch other people drive.

-merica

Sometimes you just have to play

It's true.
And that is a hard thing for an actor to do sometimes.
We can play the waiting game, the selling game, the it doesn't matter game.
But at the end of the day, sometimes you just have to play.

This past weekend I got the opportunity to play with an old high-school friend of mine. He had an idea to shoot, as he is shooting once a month something, and he asked me to do it. And it couldn't have come at a better time. I appreciated the idea, was excited, and put some work into it. Then had the opportunity to play on set. And it was just what the doctor order.

here is a picture simple and fun

click for the pix

merica

Been working out to 90's grunge mix

... I made, and while I will say that some songs are really good songs to work out to I would like to say that some are just... well.... downers.

I put organic grass fed butter in my coffee now

I don't drink

I am married

I don't have a side job

Four fun facts that would have made me go "whaaaaaa" if you were to ask me about my life just four years ago. Party on


-merica

What happens in a week

Mind work has become my thing as of late, being a person who works sporadically, and not booking the last couple of jobs I felt I would, led me to doing some mind work.  Now when I say that, what I really mean is taking the time to work on keeping your mind in the right frame.  The more that can happen, the less down you might fall when the reality of the bizz doesn't work out.  But naturally, you have to keep at it even when times are good.  Luckily for myself, not getting work helps remind me that I need to keep my mind in the right spot.  Fear plays a lot in my head.  Fear of not working.  Financial Fear.  Fear of not living up to expectations.  And giving it up works but sometimes that feels like a cop-out.  In my profession, control over how often you work is out of your hands.  But control over working is not.  How nice is that really?  I have been around enough to know that it isn't a waste of time, it is what I do.  And even though I'm not getting paid to punch in at this specific moment, it is and always will be training for when the opportunities come up.  There will be more.
Specifically, what I find the most challenging in this industry isn't when you don't do your best.  That's an easy fix.  Need more time.  More focus.  Let the job become more important that what I was trying to get in story. Instead the challenge lies when you do your job, everyone is rooting for you, you have all the people behind you (you think), and still no go.  That's challenging.  Because at that point, you look back on your work and question if what you thought was right or "good" maybe wasn't.  Then maybe your don't really have a clue as to what is good or bad, and down the downward spiral we go.  But truth be told, that isn't the case.  And I have hard statistics to show that.  That is why we go back to the work.

A strong B+

... is something I would be happy with in Grade School.  But it leads me to believe that there is more work to be done in the career that I've chosen.  Today had an opportunity to play out there in my chosen field, and spent a lot of time working on the material.  And my opportunity went well.  But Well doesn't  help me acquire work, and well is not what I expect out of myself.  That is what sucks about doing A+ work.  You expect to do that every time.  Kind of like golf.  Once you hit a shot well once, you should be able to do the same thing the next time and expect the same result, except you chunk it or slice it or realize that you are trying to hit the ball into waaaaaay to small a hole.
Luckily for me, and I say thing right now without really feeling it in my body, but I am happy to know that more work can be done.  "They ain't seen nothing yet." My competitive sports natured, "win and you did it right," attitude doesn't really apply to my career, so I have to adjust and learn new tactics.  And that can be hard to do at age ____.   Desire to do it though is strong. And each day it gets better.  And each day I learn a little something new.  That is what I am talking about.
On a side note when I went home for the holidays, which is in Maine where at one point the high temp was 6, my family's shower wasn't working properly.  It only allowed you to have a  hot shower for like 3 mins then would become very luke warm, not cold, just luke warm.  My father had no problem with this because he takes 3 min showers, something I have yet to learn how to do.  But 2.5 weeks of lukewarm showers helped me come to the realization that lukewarm is worse than cold.  Lukewarm keeps you in the shower hoping that it might get hotter.  Cold makes you just get out. Lessons to live by.

Forget self...

In reading through The mystic in the Theatre, I came across those words.  Forget self.  Meditation states it.  Athletes talk about it.  Artists strive to do it.  Forget self.  My wife seems to get it quite frequently, and maybe that is what is going to make her such a great nurse.  To forget self and ..... what?  Put others in front?  explore?  But I heard what I was reading this morning, and to overcome the fear of whatever you are going to do, most of the time that fear is of what others think, you must forget self.  What a grateful expression one can learn.

That was deep.  But I think I get it kind of.  It helps to have a greater purpose for all you do.  Forget self.  I like that

Nuther year to begin the begin

... whatever the hell that means.  Couple of things on my mind as of late.
1.  ( and I know that I am not supposed to ) I love using q-tips in my ears.  Never have any other use for them.  Why isn't that one of the uses labeled on the box of q-tips?
2.  Driving my Saturn and listening to any Tarantino soundtrack should somehow make it into a Tarantino film, because it's so un-cool that it's cool
And it is the beginning of a new year so it's time for my yearly blog. I guess that wouldn't make it a blog, more like a place where I go to say some shit once in a blue moon.  Last year, another amazing year.  Couple Series Regular's under my belt for a couple of pilots.  Looking forward to seeing what happens after that.  Biggest thing is reaching a goal of mine that was at sort of the top of my list, and becoming really really uneasy now that there is nothing else there.  What to do?  Re-discovered a mission statement.  Storytelling.  Period.  As honest as I am able to.  Period.  Every time I find myself thinking I should write that down, I don't.  Then when I get to write stuff down, it's gone and I just find myself kind of rambling on.
With my new found time, re-learning some old school stuff which seems silly, but great for brain power.  For example, when realizing that about 70% of the planet is water, I was dumbfounded. Then just felt plain dumb for not realizing that in the first place.  Cmon man.

the first time

... well, I thought I might put out there in my universe, that on Monday, will be the first time I test for a Pilot. It's just been about a year and a month since I started to work in TV, and now I am testing for a pilot. I'm not as nervous about it as I thought I would be, just because of some advice I received from a new mentor that I have. To keep my focus in the story. It's not about the result that I want as an actor, I fight for the result I want in story. And that has kept me in check. Life is absolutely amazing. Period. Possibly, I might actually write a bit after this all is done.

K

The year of the working Actor

cause it hasn't stopped since I last posted. Even though I can find frustration at every turn, not happy with this or that, I can't negate the fact that if at the beginning of the year I could state that by Oct 1st of this year I would have 5 Network TV credits, and 4 Network Commercials, I would say that I have had a pretty lucky year. Two Days ago, got the opportunity to work on Community, was fast and quick, but again in the year of building credits, I would say this was pretty nice. And yes i am in a diaper. Can't wait for the mom to see that. Also had my Toyota Regional spot that was only running in AZ get a good size renegotiation. For a brief moment, and I use the work brief, I am able to be very proud at the work I have been able to do this past 9 months. Some luck, some years of blood sweat and tears, and finally some people are giving me a chance. Still looking for that manager that I want, but again that might be a while on that part, or then again it might happen tomorrow. Oh yeah, and I got engaged. HOLY SHIT.

merica

Celebrations

aren't they fun? Just celebrated my one year, and when I reflect back on this past year of sobriety, there is so much to be thankful for. And I am. But my mind won't let me relax sometimes. I am tired of working at a restaurant and feel I deserve better. I have been extremely lucky to have worked at least once every month since November. And after shooting the pilot and an episode of Hot in Cleveland, I can greatly say that a roll I have been on. But, it never takes long for fucking frustration to settle in huh? Working enough? Not being able to get a mgr to take a look at my work. Not feeling like the work and relationships that I have been able to gain are worth anything. Isn't that fucking amazing. We work so hard to get to audition, to then get to play, to then book work, only to turn around and say, well that wasn't that big of a role, and any other new agent/mgr is gonna look at that and say the same thing. Knowing that I cannot say things like this, but struggling with the reality of it all, I am kind of at a stand still with it. And it feels like I might be a bit on the burnt out side. I spent all this research and time, made my lists, send out my letter, only to hear nothing. Damn. I told my gal Gwen the other night that I am tired of trying to convince the powers that be, that I am worthy of work. But again, it is times like these that I see the bottom of this roller coaster, and know it will come up again. Just breathe man. Breathe.

merica

Great meditations

man, today was such an amazing meditation. I learnt where my mind really lives. Now, that might take a few of you out to la la land, but I gatta tell you, when you don't drink, have problems with feeling alone, and let life really get you down, being able to find peace and escape in a healthy way, is really a gift. I made it through another week of some really hard work. Got out on a few commercial auditions, and had a great cd workshop. The past month, I have felt more present, more prepared, and ultimately better. I have really really enjoyed the process in the past couple of weeks. Thanks

'Merica

so those last two posts were

failed attempts to post from my phone. Ahhhh technology. Well, last couple of days have been sort of trying. But something happened last night that made me realize just how tricky this journey really is. And again, I state that this career is a journey. When the path we are on becomes so dark, tricky, hollow, and downright negative, it can seem like the wrong path. What started out as such a joyous journey, light and full of excitement, has now become a struggle. It is this fucking roller-coaster that sometimes dips down to a depth that you never thought was even a part of it. My friend was there last night. And she is exactly someone who deserves to be doing whatever she should because she is that sort of person; loving and lighthearted. Like an otter. Ha. Ha. But she has been so engrossed in the negative from all sides of life, that she had no other option than to take a break from the career, which I found to be extremely helpful. Upon hearing this, I told her to do whatever she needed to do to get back to herself, and try other things. But if after taking this break, she finds one sliver of light that reminds her to want to act and pursue this dream, then please act on it. After all, that was what I found out. That no matter what I thought, after spending some time with myself and trying something new, that this was what I was supposed to do. This was my job. And unlike the other jobs where we punch in at 9 and go home at 5, we have no timetable. We might not want to stay. But that is our job. It is what we are supposed to do.

'merica

that last one

sitting in the waiting room

what a great start

I am not gonna start this off with a hey I haven't written in a while... but ... fuck I just did. Anyway, got my first television credit on Shit My Dad Says for CBS. Met Wil Sasso and William Shatner. Amazing story of how it all came about, and both show runners, Max and David, thought that I did really well. So well that I didn't get cut. And I got a couple of house laughs. How about that?

I really have been feeling pretty damn good these past couple of months. I tried to meditate every day for at least 30 min and I gatta be honest, it has really started to have some amazing effects. I wasn't able to keep up that that pace, but being able to come back to it has been really amazing. Also it just seems that I am really feeling confident when it comes to my auditions. I set up a system now where I workshop at least once a week, so I am gonna be auditioning at the bare minimum once a week. It one

Since my last post

... and I am gonna have to use some code for this to cover my ass in case people come after me. Imagine me having people come after me. Chemically, there was a big change in the past 6 months. And that ecstasty that I was talking about in the previous post, did happen, just not in the way I thought it would. I was right, this was the greatest year of my life so far. But it was also the scariest. When you have to really face yourself and look at what you really are, then you make a choice, and it happens to be the right one, amazing things happen. When you tell those who are truely close to you that you have issues, and you need thier help, amazing things happen. When you stop lying to yourself and take the necessary time to work on what really wasn't working, amazing things happen. This past year I feel I was given a second chance to really see what was working and not working in my life this past year.
Besides the bigger things this past year, a big one had to have been finding a faith that works. And trusting myself that it is important enough for me to take the time for it.
Career wise I again worked on some commercials. I broke into some theatrical offices. But mostly, I feel that I took a step forward in my confidence and my craft. Now to keep the ball rolling

It's always about a girl

that will make me sit down and write when I haven't written in such along time. And this time is really no different. The only thing that really seemed to have changed is the outcome. And I don't need to go into details about what happened, just know that it was a good thing. And it all seemed like something out of a movie. Now, most of the time, the movie that is life, doesn't quite have the same ring to it, or the ending isn't always the happiest. Not the case again in this situation. Nope this came on like a typical 80's movie where you knew exactly what was going to happen, and when it was going to happen. But last night I had that turning moment. Where in normal words, I stopped being a pussy and did what I was supposed to do. And that was after I really kind of messed it all up. I tried not to talk about it, and play it cool, but I had to explain why this girl was causing me to act the way I was. But I had to do it in a way not to over do it, no one wants that. You see it's the morning after and I can't even write what I am feeling. The stupid fucking moto is that eventually I think good things are going to happen to good people. At the time, you might find yourself punching the wet ground, completely in the most pain you've allowed yourself to feel in forever, because you don't allow yourself to feel, and at then a year later, you get it. Fuck if I know how it works, and why it has to be that tricky, but at this moment, after driving home on about 3 hours of the most amazing sleep I have had in a loooooong time, and after screaming at the top of my lungs stupid songs on the drive home like some 16 year old, after all of that, I am feeling something I haven't felt in a long time, and it feels like ecstasy.


and yes I had to spell check ecstasy.

Life is amazing

Broken Lizard

Well, about 3 years ago, I set down to set some long term goals and ways of reaching them. One of them was to act in a Broken Lizard Production. I loved thier movies, thought they were funny, and just the type of movies I would want to make. Well, less than two years late, then I meet one of the 5 main players from the group and get to do a little still shoot for him to help his presentation for Paramount. And you guessed it, he's just a guy. But how canny that I set something so long ago, thought, it would be impossible to ever get this goal, and two years later, one of my closest acting friends wife is best friends with his wife. and there you have it. On a small scale, but yet for yours truely, a victory. Now I wonder if it would have happened if I didn't set that goal. Maybe those goal setting things actually work.
Huh....
merica